Akatsuki Flaws
by zigyy553
Summary: Late one night, Naruto realizes that all of the Akatsuki are weird in their own right, and all have flaws that no one else seems to have...Each chapter dedicated to one member. Members done: Kakuzu, Tobi, Deidara, Kisame, Hidan, Zetsu, Sasori, Itachi.
1. Epiphany

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Just a little joke I cooked up at around 2 in the morning. I thought, what the heck.

By the way, all the Akatsuki are alive in this.

**Flaws.**

It came to Naruto as he was slipping into his bed in the Hokage mansion next to his beautiful, sleeping wife Hinata, that all of the Akatsuki were weird in there own right. Snapping the book he was reading shut, he stared through his reading glasses at a spot on the wall.

Kisame was most likely an escapee from Sea World and a distant cousin to Shamu.

Zetsu was probably born and raised in a greenhouse or flower shop, lke that one plant in that movie 'The Little Shop of Horrors'.

ANBU drove people insane and that Itachi's pocky addiction came from that and he most also a big candidate for suspicion of being a closet pervert.

Deidara was probably a war-bomb designer in his past life, and before that Van Gough, and some inter lapse in time fused the two.

Sasori had a very wrong over protectiveness of his puppets and probably a sick love for them too…could he be related to Kankuro?

Tobi was legally insane. Naruto himself saw the license.

Pein needed to see a doctor on removing all those piercings.

Hidan was a sadistic bastard that would probably end up hell bent on trying o convert the world's religious into Jashin followers and then step into a church and burst into flames.

Naruto desperately wanted to see what would happen if you locked Kakuzu in a room with a bag of money right outside it, with the walls being unbreakable.

Konan was probably an origami world-champion several of her lives ago. And he barely knew jack shit about her.

An idea then popped into his head, and he ordered a team of ANBU into his room.

"Capitan, take as many men as you deem necessary. We're going to catch Kakuzu of the Akatsuki. I want to try something…" Naruto ordered, before slipping into bed once more.

"Naru-kun? What was that about?" Hinata said, turning over to look at him.

"Hm? Oh, nothing. Just trying to catch Kakuzu."

"Ah…alright…" Hinta yawned, before using her husband for 20 years as a pillow.

"I really do wonder what he would do…" Naruto pondered, before dosing off himself.

**Flaws.**

A/N: Well, there you have it.

Should I turn this into a little thing, or just leave it as a one-shot?


	2. Kakuzu

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Due to popular demand, this obviously won't stay a one-shot.

Chapter goes out to my best friend Dolt, without whom, I'd most likely never be where I am. I owe him my sanity, and he forever has me as his friend.

**Kakuzu**

When Cat and Weasel had finally tracked down Kakuzu in the village of Tanzaku, they punched one another to make sure they weren't seeing things.

Kakuzu of the Akatsuki, one of the most feared men on the planet, had just walked into a DVD store and walked out with something that made the devil twitch.

_Star Trek: The Complete Series_

They wasted no time pulling a potato sack over his head, binding him with ropes, and burning his purchase.

After hitting him in the head with a pipe of course.

**Kakuzu**

Naruto sat in a steel plated room with a single, wide window right behind him, and nodded to the two ANBU as they brought in Kakuzu, bound and potato'd sacked.

Tying him to a chair, facing Naruto, they pulled off they sack, and the bound man instantly began talking.

"I don't care what you do to me! I won't betray the Akatsuki! Kill me, burn me, castrate me…wait, I take that back…bake me in a pie! I won't betray them!" Kakuzu shouted, tugging against his bonds.

"Now Kakuzu, I simply want to perform an experiment." Naruto said, taking off his glasses. His eyesight was falling.

Kakuzu then stopped resisting, and stared up at the smiling blonde. The Akatsuki member instantly paled. While they may have been hunting him, Naruto was said to be the next Professor…but in a literal, more sadistic sense.

Hell, the kid was KNOWN for being sadistic in his experiments!

"Now, see that table out there?" Naruto said, pointing the normal wooden table just ten feet away from the outside of the steel plated room. "I'm going to leave something very special there, and I'm going to leave a video camera to record how you react. No guards, no traps, just a camera. Cat, Weasel, you're dismissed. Kakuzu…" Naruto said, standing and taking his leave.

When Naruto stepped outside the room, he bent over and picked up the brief case that was waiting on the ground, and took it over to the table, and then checked to see if the door was bolted shut and if the Akatsuki agent was looking at him.

Kakuzu was sweating bullets as the Rokudaime Hokage looked at him and smirked. The blonde then opened the briefcase to reveal…

Wads, and wads of cash.

Pulling out a sharpie, Naruto wrote on the window so that Kakuzu could read it.

**That right there is 50 million. All you have to do is break out and take it. Inside is the key to get out of this building. I've ordered all ninja not to attack you unless you attack first. Bye bye now.**

Slipping the sharpie into his pocket, Naruto left the room.

"…You are a bastard that was spawned from the deepest pits of hell, Uzumaki Naruto." Kakuzu stated as his threads cut through the rope. "Now, did they really think this could hold me?"

All his threads were disintegrated upon contact with the wall, door, and window.

"…BASTARD!!" Kakuzu shouted as he began banging his fists on the wall. "My money…my precious money! I'LL KILL YOU UZUMAKI FOR KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY BABIES! ALL 50 MILLION OF THEM!"

When Naruto came back in, he found Kakuzu unconscious, sprawled on the ground, with a crack in the glass.

"Hm…" Naruto grabbed the tape and began playing it.

There, he saw Kakuzu head butting the glass repeatedly, shouting something about killing Naruto. "Ah…it seems my theory was proven correct…Cat, Weasel!"

The two ANBU appeared behind the Hokage. "You're new mission is to track down Tobi of the Akatsuki…"

"How do we plan to capture him, Hokage-sama?" Cat asked.

"Oh…I don't know. Use your imagination."

"Yes sir." Cat and Weasel then poofed away.

"Shino." Naruto called.

A man in a white coat and black glasses walked in. "Naruto?"

"If you would please wake Kakuzu-kun." Naruto said, turning around to watch Shino have his bugs turn into a giant hand and slap the thread while standing in the door way.

Grumbling, Kakuzu mumbled, "Five more minutes Hi-kun…"

Silence.

"Slap harder if you would, my friend."

"Pleasure."

"OKAY! OKAY! I'm up…THE HELL?!" Kakuzu shouted, pointing comically at the bugs, which then changed into a middle finger. "Well fuck you too!" Double birdies were Kakuzu's answer.

"Shino." Naruto tossed him a remote with a big red button on it. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Pleasure." Shino pressed the big red button.

It was reported Kakuzu then had three simultaneous heart attacks due to the sheer amount of money falling from the roof.

"It seems I was right." Naruto said, walking away.

Shino quickly pocketed as much money as he could.

**Kakuzu**

A/N: Hoped ya liked it. Next chapter is Tobi.


	3. Tobi

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Well, here's Tobi's chapter

**Tobi**

Cat and Weasel watched from up in a tree as Tobi walked down the street, towards their hand made trap, a trap worthy of being called ANBU grade.

A 70 foot deep pit covered by leaves.

The masked Akatsuki member continued walked down the street, swinging his arms, hands full with the purchases he had made throughout the day, humming a merry tune.

And then, right before he was about to fall into the pit, Cat and Weasel biting their lips inside their masks, Tobi paused, one foot in the air, and looked at a window showing something he thought Zetsu and Kisame might like.

A hobby and pet store sat side-by-side, one window sporting all types of plants, and another showing all kinds of fish.

"THAT'S IT!" Weasel shouted. Jumping out of the tree, he pulled a metal pipe from under his jacket, shouting a war cry and holding it over his head aggressively.

Turning, confusedly, Tobi watched the ANBU come jumping at him with the pipe. Quirking his head, he said, "What?"

SMACK!

Knocked unconscious, Tobi fell sideways into the pit, his purchases falling in with him. Standing at the mouth of the pit, Weasel stared down into the darkness. "Well that was easy."

"YOU IDIOT!" Cat shouted, her arms waving in the air.

"What? We got him, didn't we?" Weasel said, shrugging.

The two ANBU became aware that Tobi was crawling out of the pit, groaning all the way. "What happened? Was Tobi not a good boy?"

Looking down, Weasel positioned the pipe like a golf club and swung.

Hard.

Tobi didn't try to crawl back up.

**Tobi**

Tobi slowly opened his eye(s?) and found himself tied to a chair, his mask on, and his feet touching a padded floor. Surveying the darkness, he saw the silhouettes of three people.

He was relieved to find his purchases right next to his chair.

"Tobi of the Akatsuki." said a familiar voice with amusement in it. "I welcome you. Would you like some tea?"

"Ah, Naruto-san. Yes, I would. I'm parched." Tobi said, playing along.

Pouring him some tea, Naruto said, "I'm sorry for the way my ANBU treated you. I thought they would be more gentle when I told them to use their imaginations when capturing you." The Hokage slided the tea over to Tobi, who pulled a Kakashi, drinking it in a moment. Tobi didn't need to check it for anything. Everyone in the Akatsuki knew Naruto played fair at this little game.

"It is quite alright. I'm just glad my purchases weren't ruined." Tobi said, lifting up his head from the empty cup.

"I simply must ask though…" Naruto said, resting his chin on his hands. "What were you buying?"

"Gifts for my fellow Akatsuki members. Although, I was tempted not to get one for Pein-sama, since he took out his anger on me for the death of Kakuzu."

"Oh, I'm sorry. If I had known that would have happened, I would have held him prisoner, instead of making die in glee."

"Completely understandable."

"Thank you. Now, Tobi, I'm going to perform an experiment on you."

"Alrighty. Depends how long it will take though, I have to get back to the Akatsuki base in time before Zetsu-san eats me." Tobi said, nodding.

"Right then. We're going to try to break you of your insanity. This is an asylum room, and we're going to leave you in here for three days, and see how you react. If you turn back to sanity, I'll let you go. Break out, I'll let you go. I just want to see what you'd do in total isolation, even from light." Naruto said, standing up and dismissing Cat and Weasel.

"That might be a bit of a problem…"

"We'll give you donuts."

"I bid you, adieu."

Tobi found himself in complete darkness, in a straight jacket and mask, with nothing else in the room.

**Tobi**

When Naruto returned to Tobi's ward room, he found a human sized hole in the wall, with the padding on the wall torn in such a manner that it was a notice.

_Naruto-san,_

_I know that by the time you read this, I'll have broken out. But knowing you , you expected that. I had to get back to the Akatsuki base. I left a gift for you in the corner._

_Hope I was a good boy,_

_Tobi_

_P.S. – Thanks for the donuts._

Looking in the corner, Naruto saw a stuffed Kyuubi. Blinking, Naruto called in Cat and Weasel.

"Cat, Weasel, your new mission is to capture Deidara of the Akatsuki. I wish you luck." Naruto said, smiling at the letter from Tobi.

He was, once again, correct in his theory.

**Tobi**

A/N: Sorry it took so long. Couldn't come up with an idea for Tobi.

I already have a plan for Deidara. It is somewhat cruel and gory…but not really.


	4. Deidara

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

It's Deidara time!

**Deidara**

Cart and Weasel watched through their masks as Deidara entered the art store. They were currently hiding in plain sight.

Posing as wax ANBU sculptures.

They saw Deidara approach them, and pick up a shopping basket, before looking at the two still-as-stone ANBU, who were sweating bullets under their mask, before taking off down an isle.

Weasel slowly let out a shaky breath, before mumbling to Cat. "I'm going to go get him…" Pulling the metal pipe out from under his jacket, Weasel slowly and quietly crept over to Deidara, who was still walking down the isle.

Grasping the pipe in both hands, Weasel held it over his head, and just when he was about to swing…

Deidara instantly turned his head around, feeling like someone was behind him, but only saw the two ANBU sculptures that were there when he came in. Scanning the area, he hesitantly went back to shopping.

Weasel panted quietly in his mask as he slid out of the pose that he was in. Cat was apparently trying to keep from scolding and laughing at him.

Reaching behind one of the shelves, he grabbed the original sculpture of the ANBU, and quickly and quietly, followed Deidara, standing right behind him, holding the pipe high above his head.

There was that feeling again! Deidara twirled around, but saw no one.

Weasel was still holding the pipe above his head behind the blonde. He sidestepped behind the Akatsuki member again when the blonde tried to look behind him, and again…and again….and again…

Whenever Deidara moved, Weasel moved so that he was behind him.

Deidara scanned the area one last time, and turned around, ignorant to the pipe swinging down at his head.

SMACK!

Down went Deidara with swirls for eyes.

**Deidara**

It was dark, Deidara could tell, and he could see piles of things off to his left and right, and a man sitting cross legged in a chair in front of him. He already knew he was tied to a chair.

"Deidara of the Akatsuki." Said a familiar voice.

The long haired blonde instantly cursed every god he knew.

"I would like to perform an experiment on you." Naruto said, smiling creepily.

Deidara tried to shrink into his seat. News of what he had done to Tobi and Kakuzu had reached his and the other Akatsuki members ears, and were now more wary of the blonde, now that he was targeting them instead of Orochimaru and his forces.

"Cat, the lights, if you would?" Naruto asked politely.

The lights instantly turned on, and Deidara had to close his eyes from the onslaught of brightness.

"Alright Deidara-san, to your left, are priceless paintings done by various artists. To your right, every type of human-made bomb you can imagine. You can have either one. But here is the catch." Naruto folded his hands and leaned back in his chair. "You can only have one, or the other. My ANBU will stop you if you try to take both. I want to see what you will do in this situation. By the way, you only have enough chakra left to make a single bomb, and you have no clay. Toodles."

Deidara heard the distinct sound of a door shutting, and began talking right off the bat.

"I really, really, _really _hate you Uzumaki. I really do. May you burn in hell for this cruel torture!"

**Deidara**

Naruto walked back into the storage room where he was keeping the bombs, art, and blonde Akatsuki member to find everything covered in red a a crater sized hole where he had put Deidara.

Smirking he called Cat and Weasel. "Your next mission is to capture Kisame of the Akatsuki. Have fun." Naruto took one more look around the room, before calling another ANBU team. "Clean up this mess. I don't want Deidara blood on all my works. Since the man couldn't have both and knew he was going to die, he blew himself up, leaving his remains on his two favorite things."

"Too bad he missed the dango."

**Deidara**

A/N: I know, I was rather brutal to Deidara in this chapter, but I hope it gained your guys' approval.


	5. Kisame

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Kisame time!

**Kisame**

Kisame was sweating bullets as he looked at the giant goldfish in front of him, not noticing the panicing Weasel-masked ANBU inside it.

It was all Cat's idea really. Her and her sick sense of humor…They figured that since Kisame was like a shark, he'd have shark-like tastes.

And thus, she had made our good friend Weasel dress up in a giant goldfish costume and jump in front of the blue skinned-akatsuki member

Which then caused the fish man to repeat the mantra that all those meetings had drilled into his head…

'_Fish are friends, not food! Fish are friends, not food! Fish are friends, not food! FISH ARE FRIENDS NOT FOOD!' _Kisame shouted inside his head, his inner voice similar to a crying one towards the end of the sentence. _'Oh, fuck it!'_

Teeth bared, Kisame lunged at the ANBU/Goldfish.

Only to lose all his chompers from being on the receiving end of a…

C'mon, you know who the star of this is…

METAL PIPE!

**Kisame**

When light returned to Kisame's vision, he found himself in something wet, and in a bathing suit.

Then, he saw the approaching gate and smiling blonde.

THAT FUCKER WAS DRAGGING HIM BACK TO SEAWORLD IN A POOL! THE ASSHOLE!

Naruto watched amused as bubbles came out of Kisame's mouth in rapid succession. Oh, it was fun torturing the Akatsuki members…Walking up to the tank, he rapped his knuckles against the glass.

Kisame held his ears in pain.

"Now that I have your attention, I welcome you back home. SeaWorld. And, I found some of your documents and congratulations! You have a kid! Guess who's the mom?" Naruto said mocking him by clapping his hands together. "Shamu! Tell the wife hi for me, would ya?"

Looking at Shamu's pen, he saw her standing above the water with a rolling pin, slapping it against her fin.

He was FUCKED.

Naruto watched with a serene smile on his face as he saw the mortified look on Kisame's face as the employees carted him back in. Calling Cat and Weasel, he gave them their next orders.

"You are to folow Hidan of the Akatsuki and plant messages to make him think thatJashin is contacting him. Make him believe that Jashin wants him to convert everyone or something. You have your orders."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

**Kisame**

A/N: Short, and not really up to my standards, but oh well.


	6. Hidan

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Sorry for the wait! Had major writer's block on this, FPLF, STMB, The Entity, everything.

**Hidan**

Cat and Weasel slowly, carefully, and quietly tiptoed after Hidan, who was partnerless due to the death of Kakuzu, who was walking towards a mountain wall, head banging to his ipod, which was playing a song we all know and hate…

Burnin' Up, by the Jonas Brothers.

Cat quickly attached a note to one of her kunai and threw it at the ipod.

Of course, this made Hidan peeved. "OKAY! WHICH FUCKER'S IDEA WAS IT TO DESTROY MY IPOD?! MY PRECIOUS JONAS BROTHERS WAS ON THAT!" then, he picked up the kunai, and read the note.

_My loyal follower,_

_I dislike the Jonas Brothers, and thus, I am keeping them from polluting your mind._

_Your loving kami, _

_Jashin._

Then, Hidan dropped to his knees and looked up at the sky. "FORGIVE ME JASHIN-SAMA! I HAD NO IDEA YOU DISLIKED THE JONAS BROTHERS! I SHALL HUNT THEM DOWN FOR YOU THIS INSTANT!"

Cat threw another kunai to keep their plan from getting ruined.

_My loyal follower,_

_Their blood would not appease me at this moment. Return to you home and wait until I give word._

_Your loving kami, _

_Jashin_

"Of course, Jashin-sama!"

Weasel was slapping his forehead at the shear stupidness of it all.

Following Hidan into the mountain wall, which turned out to just be a gray blanket, they quickly found his room and Cat began Operation: Jashin.

"Ok, Weasel, we have to do this quickly. Did you bring the buckets of blood?"

"…I was supposed to bring blood? Oh…I brought ketchup." Weasel said.

"…You what?"

"Brought ketchup?"

"I swear, if we weren't in an S-class criminal hideout, I would fucking kill you…" Cat said, trying to reign in her temper. "Jashin is the BLOOD god. Not the KETCHUP god…oh well, we'll work with what we have…"

Several Minutes later…

With a sigh, Hidan walking into his room, only to stop with his hand on the door, one foot in the air, and his eyes reading the red message on his pristine floor that he was oh so proud of.

World – Cross equals Jashin

World – Nine Dots equals Jashin

World – Dude with sun for a crown equals Jashin

Worlds + Jashin equals :D

Now, Hidan wasn't exactly the smartest kunai in the pouch. So, he naturally thought this was a message from Jashin.

The fact that there was a red message below all the equations that said 'Jashin wuz here' solidified his beliefs.

Which in turn made him go on a rant that Cat and Weasel, who were sticking to the roof with suction cups like classical spies, cringe at. Dear god, why did the man have to be so devout?!

Anyways, about an hour later, Hidan found himself facing the doors to a cathedral, their stain glass windows looking down at him.

Cat and Weasel were recording the while thing on video. There were three ways this was going to go, Hokage-sama said to them.

1. His theory would be mostly correct, but wrong in a detail. In that case, they'd send the video to AFV.

2. His theory would be dead on, and he'd store the video in his personal library for entertainment when he was bored.

Or 3; He'd have to deal with a massacre of the world's religious. That would tick him off.

Naturally of course, when Hidan stepped foot into the cathedral, flames erupted from his body and a fishing line with a post it note on it came down from the sky.

_Don't fuck with me Hidan. _

_Kami_

As Cat recorded it, she turned the camera to Weasel, who was frowning in his mask. Holding up the main character, Weasel said, "So I didn't have to bring it?"

"No Weasel, you didn't have to bring the metal pipe. No need for it."

"Man…"

"So, according to orders, we're now supposed to go after Zetsu…" Cat said, holding up a post it written by Naruto, ,before he had stormed off into his library.

"...will we need the pipe?"

"Yes Weasel…We'll need the pipe…"

**Hidan**

I cracked up a couple of times when I was writing this.

if I offended anyone while they read this, I'm really really sorry. I'm not racist or religious or anything. People have their own beliefs and that's that. I myself am agnostic so...


	7. Zetsu

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Here's Zetsu!

**Zetsu**

Weasel did not know how he found himself in these situations. He really didn't. Seriously, since neither him nor Cat wanted to be the ones to try and lure Zetsu into their trap, they played a game of strip poker to see who would do it…

And while he had gotten a good look at Cat's…assets, he ended up losing.

Which is why he found himself in front of a whore house, in a fly suit, with Zetsu coming out of the entrance, both of his sides staring at him blankly.

"…_Are you making fun of me_?" his lighter side asked. "**Because if you are…**_I_** will** _eat_** you**…" they spoke in usion.

Weasel double checked to see if Pipe was with him. He needed his best buddy with him…

"Um…yes?"

The plant man charged at Weasel, who simply let out a very high pitched squeak before putting Pipe horizontal in the venus fly trap, just when it was about to close.

Which in turn made it go through the plant like appendage and cause Zetsu immense pain.

"**DEAR HOLY MOTHER OF GOD'S JESUS! **_WHAT IN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?! _**THAT HURTS ASSHOLE! **_I FEEL LIKE I'M BACK AT THAT DENTIST'S PLACE! __**ASSFUCK!"**_

Weasel stared at the scene with his arms down at his side. Zetsu was wanking-I mean yanking Pipe, trying to pull him out of the plant thing. Of course, every time he moved it, a jolt of pain shot through him which he did not enjoy, pulling another string of interesting curses along with him.

At this point, Weasel said, "Fuck it." And pulled out Pipe's older sister…

Pipette.

Of course, a quick batter's position, battle cry of 'TAKE THIS YOU SALAD BASTARD!', and a good hard swing worthy of Hank Aaron, and Zetsu went out down like crabgrass sprayed with weed killer made by one Jimmy Neutron that actually worked without side-effects.

"Wow…" Cat said, coming out of her hiding place. "That was just sad…"

"I've nearly died twice all because I was in somewhat weird suit. I'm calling in health insure on the possibility of life shortening."

"Yeah, yeah…"

**Zetsu**

When Zetsu finally came to, he found himself in a dark room, with only a spotlight tin front of him focused enough that he could only see two bowls of salad, two forks, and a pair of clasped hands.

"_Aww…_**shit…"** Zetsu said, muffled. His trap, no, not his mouth, had been bandaged, so he at least knew that who he was captured by, as others would not bandage it. "**Uzumaki **_Naruto…"_

"Zetsu-san, I would like to perform an experiment." Naruto said, as the room's lights switched on.

He found himself in a plant store.

"**I hereby hate**___you Kami-sama…"_ he said, once again muffled.

"I'm going to run through a couple of experiments, alright?" Naruto pushed up his glasses up. "First off, and I'm keeping you bound and gagged, I'm going to let you in on a little piece of information. We're in a very isolated village that's never even heard of the crimes you've done. And thus, I will now drag you after me."

Grabbing a piece of the rope, the Hokage began whistling a tune as he dragged Zetsu to the counter. "Hello? I was wondering if you would be interested in a new type of plant I discovered…" he said, lying with a smile.

Zetsu looked fearful.

"Eh?" The clerk looked down at him. Zetsu's eyes pleaded with the man. "I'll give…100 ryo for it."

This made Zetsu's eyes shine with indignant fury. A bowl of ramen cost more!

Naruto's simply shone. "I see then…well, thank you anyway. I think I won't sell it." He dragged Zetsu back to the back room. "So one of my theories was proven correct. You're worth less then my left shoe." Naruto then took one of the forks and bowl of salad. "I'm now going to eat this in front of you. I'm going to see how you react."

1 chomp…Zetsu twitched.

2nd chomp…Zetsu became more twitchy…

3rd chomp…Zetsu began hyperventilating…

4th chomp…Zetsu began thrashing around…

5th chomp, Zetsu's foot made contact with the crotch of the Rokudaime Hokage.

Who then poofed into a potted plant that shattered, Zetsu's eyes going wide with horror.

"NO!!" he muffly shouted.

Naruto came out from behind one of the shelves, holding the salad. "Well now, that was close. 2nd theory proven correct. Now for the third…"

Soon after the blonde said that, our green man found his mouth pried open, and a silencing jutsu put over him. Grabbing the other bowl and fork, Naruto told the rest of his plan. "Now this I'm going to enjoy…You're going to be eating this salad, Zetsu-san."

Waterfall tears bursted from the Akatsuki member's eyes. This man was an evil and sadistic bastard!

…But we've established that, haven't we?

After the entire salad had gone down Zetsu's throat, Naruto left, but not before pouring honey all over him and walking over to a cage. "Zetsu, you've unknowingly proven my 3rd theory. Plants can be cannibalistic. I no longer have a need for you. Good bye." And with that, Naruto pulled off the cloth to reveal…

Pooh Bear on…

Steroids and rabies inducers.

Zetsu's screams could be heard for miles.

Flaring his chakra a bit, Weasel and Cat dropped in front of him. "You're next mission is to capture Akasuna no Sasori. When he's caught, bring him to Suna. I will await you there." Naruot said, before walking back to Konoha, his two personal ANBU poofing away…

**Zetsu**

I give this chapter the color green.


	8. Sasori

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Sasori time!

I am now in the mood to listen Puppets by Thousand Foot Krutch

**Sasori**

Naruto paused in his stride on his way to Konoha from the boondock village, you know, the one that had Pooh Bear eating Zetsu in it? Yeah, that one. Well, he paused and let a thought bounce around in is head before deciding on it.

Lifting up his sleeve, he ran chakra through a seal on it and Cat and Weasel immediately poofed in front of him.

"You two take a break for right now." Naruto said, smirking. "I think I'll handle Sasori myself…" his eyes glinted dangerously as he disappeared and became a blur.

**Sasori**

Sasori stared at the smiling blonde in front of him. He knew now he had less than 24 hours to live.

"Sasori-kun!" Naruto said, pulling out a little fan to begin fanning himself. "How are you today?"

Sasori's eye began twitching as he stared at the blonde that had nearly wrecked his puppet collection. All he had left was his body. "I really want to kill you Uzumaki."

Before he knew it, the Hokage had an arm draped over the Puppet-user's shoulders. "Ya know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Real nice guy, but kind of odd. He would do anything for his father and their pet fish and cat. But I think you and his friend, Jiminy, you'll meet him later, might get into a couple of arguments…"

Sasori left nail marks on the ground as Naruto dragged him off to wherever.

**Sasori**

"I really am going to kill you for your stupidity." Sasori said as he stared at the thing in front of him. "Is this supposed to be some kind of sick joke?"

The thing stared up at him with big eyes.

"Seriously. Just because I turned my body into that of a puppet doesn't mean I want to meet a fucking puppet with a soul inside it!"

Naruto just smiled. "Pinocchio, meet Akasuna no Sasori, Sasori, meet Pinocchio."

"I want to be a real boy!'

Sasori just glared. "Been there done that. It's the greatest thing in the world. I'm supposed to be around 50 now…"

Naruto dragged him away again before the puppet boy could go on a rant about wanting to be human was his dream.

**Sasori**

He couldn't get him to move. The second Sasori saw Kankuro sitting on a bed next to his brother and sister, he went stock still. Which made Naruto very frustrated, as he couldn't get the puppet user to move.

With a sigh, he turned to the doctor. "Oh well. We'll have to get the sample without him approving. His heart is the only place with blood in it, it's in the center of his chest. Yes, there it is. Now, Kankuro, if you would…"

3 minutes later, they had their results.

"Oh my god…"

"No way…"

"My theory was correct…"

"It would seem that you and I aren't related, Kankruo." Gaara said as he looked at the results. Having his sand left Sasori up, he said, "I'll be in the courthouse. Come meet me if you want."

And so they did.

**Sasori**

When the group of a Hokage, a wind user, and a person who seemed to be trying to be the male version of Catwoman got to the court house after getting over the shock (Naruto merely stood there waiting for Kankuro and Temari to get their jaws out of the ground), they arrived just in time to here the final statements.

"Akasuna no Sasori, rouge prodigy of Suna, you are hereby sentenced to pay child support till the end of your days!" the judge said, not caring that Sasori's eyes were wide and jaw stuck in the marble floors.

"WHAT?! BUT MY SALARY IS PRACTICALLY NON-EXSISTENT!"

"Too bad. You already owe 35 years of child support. Get over it. Court adjourned."

Naruto smiled as Kankuro walked up to Sasori, kneed him in the balls, which incidentally made the puppet man fart like when Harold does it, and then run away screaming 'I'LL NEVER ACCEPT YOU AS MY FATHER!!'

Naruto simply walked off, his good deed for the day done.

He then decided to hunt Itachi next. Maybe he would bribe him with pocky or something…

**Sasori**

And there ya go.

Itachi is next. I only really have one idea for him, so send in anything you think would be good.


	9. Itachi

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Itachi!

**Itachi**

Naruto smirked as he looked down at his victim from his hideout in a tree. Ah, he had the perfect plan. Jumping down quietly, Naruto didn't make a sound when he landed. Creeping over to the still from of the Sharingan user, who was asleep if you didn't notice, Naruto pulled something out of his pocket.

Lacy, frilly, pink and black, was the sleeping mask he took out.

Slowly and cautiously, Naruto got closer to Itachi's head, but stopped when he heard Itachi mumble, "Mmh…Sasuke…n-not there…"

Naruto went stock still, and tried very hard to stifle his laughter. Even more carefully then before, he picked up Itachi's head and placed the mask over his eyes, and then placed the sleeping man's head back down.

Climbing back up the tree, Naruto waited until dawn broke…

**Itachi**

When Itachi woke that morning, the first thing he noted was darkness. Even when he had opened his eyes, there was still darkness.

"I see…" Itachi said. "So I have finally gone completely blind. And judging by the depth of this darkness, not even my Sharingan will help me see…"

Silence.

"This must mean that peace shall finally be granted to me-WAIT A SECOND!" Itachi shouted, making Naruto, who woke up from his spot in the tree when Itachi did, pay more attention. "THIS MEANS I WON'T BE ABLE TO READ MY ICHA ICHA GODDESSESS! AND I JUST GOT THAT YESTERDAY!"

He heard laughter, laughter that he recognized. Itachi slipped into a fighting position. "Uzumaki. So you have come for me. After you ANBU and you yourself have defeated so many of us, you come after me. Where are you? Show yourself!"

Now, Naruto had a good reason to break out laughing. When Itachi had woken up, he hadn't moved from his spot underneath his blanket until he said something about his Icha Icha. And he stood up when he said that.

And seeing a person like Itachi in a sleeping mask like that and a hot pink night gown in a fighting stance made him erupt with laughter.

Calming himself down, Naruto said, "First Itachi, take off the eyemask I put on you. I have a present for you that I got last night…"

Blinking, Itachi pulled off the sleeping mask and noticed how he could see, if only a little better. Activating his sharingan, Itachi saw in full what Naruto had gotten him.

Behind the blond were tons upon tons of pocky.

Itachi began to hyperventilate, Naruto noted, and drool began falling out of his mouth in rivers. "Well, so far my theory has been proven correct…Now, Itachi. First, get your jaw off the ground. Good. Now, all this pocky is for you. It's several like times worth. All of it together cost about 1/5 of my fortune. Just answer me one question, honestly."

Itachi nodded rapidly.

"Are you a transvestite?"

"Yes." Itachi answered quickly, eyes intently focused on the stacks of pocky.

"They're yours."

Itachi ran at the pocky, slobbering g like a dog the whole way.

"Oh, and by fortune, I meant chakra. You have no idea how hard it is to fool the sharingan, Itachi." Naruto dispelled the two overlaying genjutsus he had placed to reveal…

1. All of Itachi's fangirls.

2. He got rid of the sleeping genjutsu he put on them.

Itachi didn't notice the difference until it was too late.

The fangirls noticed him immediately.

Naruto walked off into the horizon, signaling Cat and Weasel. "Cat, Weasel. Your next assignment is to capture Pein." Naruto's eyes were hard. "We're going to end the Akatsuki."

**Itachi**

Pein is next.


End file.
